Faith, God, Universe: Where Does It All Fit In My Life ?

Like a Hurricane !

At the time you're living it, life sometimes seems like a chaotic mess whipping around you in a torrid hurricane, but years later when you look back, you realize that actually, it was a brilliantly orchestrated dance that can only be appreciated now...at this very moment.

And as I look back, I wonder how did I get here? How did it all happen? Most of all...how did I survive it all?

Are You a Rock ?

Mostly, I was alone early in my life. I was tapped as the strong one in the family when bad things happened. Yes - though I didn't want to be...I was the supposed rock of the family. The "man" of the house.

It's hard to be the one everyone else comes to for advice, especially when you don't seem to have much of it to share. But, as they say...you do what you have to do for family...and the rock was a role I had to take, for my Mom...since everyone else was simply trying to survive as well. Other family members had others depending on them, so I had to take on my share as well...and that was my Mother.

And I'm sure I'm not the only one who tried to fill shoes that simply couldn't be filled. We've all been through similar experiences, haven't we? What's your story?

A Pity Party ?

When bad things happen to people, they hurt. Well, that is...if they're sensitive to life's ups and downs, like most people. So when you hurt, how do you react? And how do you react to those that are hurting around you?

For me...well, when I get hurt, I usually go into my protective shell...and yes, I feel sorry for myself for a while, but what's wrong with that? That's how I handle my private pain. Then later, I emerge a little bit stronger than I was before. If other people look at me and say that I'm just having a pity party for myself - that makes me sad - for THEM. Apparently, they have no empathy or sympathy for a person's difficult life-situations. That person is one I don't necessarily need in my life but I still try to take away something from their reaction. I don't devalue that person like they might devalue me. Instead, I try to find something in their reaction that can make me a better person. After all, you have to take the good with the bad, even when your friends'/acquaintances' relationships don't live up to your expectations. It's okay...we're all human, and we haven't walked in anyone else's shoes. We can't judge.

Paying a Personal Price

As events became more personal in my life, there were times when I wondered how much more I could take. Yeah. I had some problems. Problems that were private...and I just didn't know what to do with them.

But I wasn't innocent in all of it...I was more stupid than innocent. Well, maybe they're the same thing when you should be smarter than I was. My mistake was not getting someone to help to answer some of my questions. Personal question. Things that I thought only a father or mother could answer. And...well...by that time, my father was dead, and my mother was in a bad way, mostly because of my father's sudden death.

In the long run, I know I paid a personal price for my stoic defiance. But of course, one day, it caught up with me. It always does, you know. But that's another story.

The only thing that saved me from permanent doom was God. God, and the idea of God, gave me hope when no one else or nothing else could. I guess it was all tangled up with my family and upbringing. Something I'm glad of. If it wasn't for that tiny bit of hope that I had, put there by my fundamental belief in God from my early childhood, I would have lost my way for sure.

Those Who Stray Can Find Their Way Back

I was raised in the church, something of which I've always been glad to claim. I thank my Mom and Dad for that. I learned all the stuff that Sunday School teaches. But it was just stuff...until many years later.

Life changed. I grew up in some ways. And grew away from my fundamentals. It was difficult to find my way back, but, thank God I did.

Many different people believe in many different things. And today, it might not be fashionable...but I think everyone needs something to believe in. Some call it the Universe. Some call it Love...Hope. Some call it the Golden Rule...a Higher Power. Karma. I could go on and on. For me - well, I still call it God.

During my life, my faith took a real beating. More than once. And I'm regretful and ashamed of some of the things I've done. And I even unconsciously separated myself from God, but I didn't mean to. It just happened.

And I don't really know how, but eventually, I found my way back. I followed the thin strand of faith I found inside. I followed it back to the light. And the redemption I found in His care is beautiful. It wasn't a sudden thing...it was a gradual enlightening. It's still going on today. Even now, as I write these words. Not everything was proof perfect. For me, it's a continuous work in progress. And that's okay.

I can't talk about it. But I can write about it. So that's what I did. I don't know how it all happened, but one day I sat down and started writing my book, and weeks later, it was done. Like magic - it all just came out.

I know my book is not perfect. Editors will most likely pick it apart. I'm sure there are passages that seem boring or non-essential to the reviewers as they read and critique, characters are under or overdeveloped...but every word has meaning to me. I'm not concerned about negative comments from readers. That's fine...someone's opinion - and everyone has that right.

What I do care about is that maybe...just maybe...reading my story will help one person - to know they are not alone in their struggles. And to know that help is there to get someone back from the doom they are feeling. I tell myself this all the time - "reach inside yourself for the strength you didn't know you had. Reach outside to others for the help most will lovingly give. And reach up to God for the help and forgiveness that has already been delivered. Know that you will survive. It will get better."

Do you need to find your way back from something awful in your life? What's your story? And how did you recover from your struggles? What saved you from your doom? And did a belief in something help you find your way back?